what to say

I don't really know what to say about the past few days of my life other than it doesn't make sense. I'm still in shock that my brother is gone and will always be confused as to why he felt that it had to be this way. My brother wasn't my best friend, but he was my brother. We knew each other better than we would ever would have realized or admitted. I feel a little blindsided now that I did not see this coming but who ever thinks that someone would take their own life?

Everyone knew him a different way. I remember him only as a little sister could... I remember him shooting off as many bottle rockets at a time as possible and his general love for pyrotechnics. We played hundreds of hours of Nintendo and Atari together, and he taught me where the warp zones were on Mario Brothers and always beat me at Mike Tyson's Punchout and Tag Team Wrestling. He had this funny way of shaking water off of his face with one eye closed when he went swimming. He once burned a hole in his sleeping bag by draping it over a lamp to make a fort (and it never smelled the same again). We used to jump off of the basement stairwell into our self-made pillow pit, beat each other up on the trampoline, have pillow fights that resulted in carpet burns on our face, and of course, he was a fan of the requisite big brother sitting on his little sister and farting. If we had to share a room, we would keep each other up all night by subversive means. If one of us was in trouble, the other would always be in the background laughing. When Christmas rolled around, he always sniffed out where the presents were and taught me how to guess what was inside, a skill I am proud of to this day.

His adult days were a little less sentimental with me as we went in different directions in our lives, but I never wanted anything but the best for him, even if I didn't know how to tell him. I know he's at peace now but I can't wait to kick the crap out of him the next time I see him.

Lastly, to all of my friends and my brother's friends who have come forward the last few days to share in the grief and to pass on a bit of love and support, thank you so much. I don't remember much about the last few days except that my family is blessed to have so many who care about us.

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